Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Homeopathic exercise

The Australian Nation Health and Medical Research Council recently released a report on the efficacy of homeopathy. There findings were pretty simple and straightforward. There ain't no efficacy. They reviewed all of the studies that have been done, and came to the conclusion: 

Based on the assessment of the evidence of effectiveness of homeopathy, NHMRC concludes that there are no health conditions for which there is reliable evidence that homeopathy is effective.

I am disappointed that the report does not reference my own scholarly meta-analysis of the research on homeopathy, but... my research is fairly recent, and so far the homeopaths on the board of Pubmed have successfully blocked the inclusion of my blog post. I am heartened, however, that the Australian study concurs with my own analysis.

In the wake of the total annihilation of homeopathy, I think the time is ripe for an alternative to alternative medicine; something preventative, that will prevent the need for the use of alternative medicine. 

Homeopathic exercise.

It even sounds impressive, doesn't it? 

Homeopathy is based on the premise that a little bit of that which hurts you is able to cure you. If a poison gives you a headache, then a tiny tiny tiny tiny amount of it will cure your headache, regardless of its cause. In some cases, the poison/medicine is diluted to the point where not one single molecule remains - just a memory of that molecule.

The really good stuff is diluted like this 30 times

In hindsight, the application to exercising is obvious. Exercise hurts, doesn't it? So obviously, we can avoid all the adverse effects of exercise (muscle pain, nausea, shortness of breath, profuse sweating, and body odor) by prescribing minute amounts of exercise.

You can even do homeopathic exercise at work!

I'm talking stuff like opening and closing eyelids, yawning a few times, scratching your butt, and maybe even scratching someone else's butt. Sitting in front of the TV is good, especially when accompanied by seven ounce curls - twelve ounce curls for the advanced homeopathic exerciser. A micro-brew would be good perfect for this. A nano-brew or femto-brew would be excellent, but who can find them?

Reruns of Star Trek (the one with Captain Kirk?) are a great way to get the old heart pumping. Personally, I am avoiding any episodes with Yeoman Rand. In laboratory tests, I have seen that just imagining being in the transporter room with her can raise my pulse by a few tenths of a beat per minute. This is just too much. Could be very dangerous. And don't even think about an I Dream of Jeannie episode!

Careful not to overdose!

Lately, I have been experimenting by treatment with just a memory of exercise. Yesterday, I tried thinking about sixth grade gym class, where we were required to do sit-ups and pull-ups and throw-ups. I felt better immediately.

I'm still working the kinks out on my regimen. Let me know how it works for you. Happy April 1st!  

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